Good Husbands are Submissive - MineralMan

[MineralMan]

Sometimes. Sometimes, everyone can be submissive to good effect. Winning every disagreement is not an essential part of any relationship. The give and take of marriages means that both partners sometimes allow the other to take the lead in some decisions.

In fact, submissiveness may be the secret to success in making a marriage a long-term relationship. It's not a matter of gender. It's a matter of partnership.

One guy's opinion.

[MineralMan]

1. An example: I'm tired and frazzled from a tough session

finishing the work for a current contract. My wife is frustrated with the bad weather and wants to go to a restaurant for dinner. I'd rather stay home, but we'll go to the restaurant, because that will make her feel better. It wouldn't be my choice, so I'm submitting to her desire for something different.

[bike man]

2. You went to the restaurant BECAUSE it made her feel better, not because you are

submissive (docile, meek, yielding, humbly obedient, etc.)

[MineralMan]

3. Nope. We have a difference of opinion. I'm submitting to her

preference. It's none of the things you mentioned. Either we go or we do not. We're going, despite my preference not to. Another time, the decision will be different in some other situation.

Submission often has to do with a desire to please the other person, despite wanting to do something else. My wife and I often submit to each other's preference when we disagree about something. It works out about 50-50.

[Bluenorthwest]

6. If its none of those things, submissive is not the right word,as that is a definition of submissive

sub•mis•sive (səbˈmɪs ɪv)

adj.
1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient.

[MineralMan]

8. I am inclined or ready to submit in this case.

I'm not humbly obedient, but I'm not resisting, either. I am submitting to my wife's wishes in the matter. As usual, in these cases, the choice of restaurants is mine. Fortunately, we like the same list of restaurants.

It is submissive, according to the definition. You can argue the point, but that's my opinion, and I'm the one who is doing the submitting.

[Bluenorthwest]

37. It's a wide world of words we have to draw from. The baggage that comes with that one

makes it a poor choice. What you describe is just cooperation, turn taking, give and take, not domination and submission. It's just sharing space not deciding status or gaining control. Going out to dinner does not establish that you are expected to submit to any or all things the dominate party might wish to do or wish for you to do, it is not submission, it's just nutrition.

[MineralMan]

39. Few words have fixed or single definitions.

I use them in many ways. English is wonderful that way. Words are my life.

[bike man]

13. A response in the "Good wives..." thread says it nicely

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10022672064#post19
Shankapotomus (2,158 posts)

19. Clearly, she's misidentified "cooperative" as "submissive." The correct opposite of "competitive" being "cooperative", which can and should be engaged in by both parties in any relationship.

[MineralMan]

15. Yes, cooperative is another good word, but

usually implies agreement in spirit as well as in action. In many cases, there is not that agreement, and one person allows the other to make the decision, despite misgivings. That is submitting to the other's will in a matter.

I'd use cooperative to describe both of us going out and shoveling snow, even though neither of us particularly wants to do that chore. It makes the job shorter, so it's of benefit to both.

[bike man]

16. Keep a 'safe' word. nt

[MineralMan]

17. LOL! It's hardly needed in my example.

[BainsBane]

4. You rock!

[MineralMan]

5. I don't know about that, but I'm ordering

fish and chips. I chose the restaurant. I'm betting my wife goes for the scampi.

[Warpy]

7. And you'll both feel a lot better when you get home

full of fish to a house that doesn't reek of it and without a pile of filthy dishes to contend with.

Restaurants are great, they cook for you and they clean up after you. I should use them more often, myself.

That's not submission so much as enlightened self interest.

[MineralMan]

10. Well, there are often benefits to letting the other person

make the decision. Your description of the benefits in this particular situation is pretty much spot on. I'd still rather stay home, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the dinner.

[BainsBane]

22. Have you tried Anchor Fish and Chips

in NE Minneapolis? No Scampi, but the cod is really good.

[MineralMan]

33. Well, as a St. Paulite, i have a responsibiliy

to avoid Minneapolis establishments on principle.

[BainsBane]

34. your loss nt

[FourScore]

9. Oh yeah?

Wanna fight about that?



Just kidding.

I think all partners must practice a bit of submissiveness for the greater cause. Gender is irrelevant.

[Fearless]

11. Sharing decisionmaking and not insisting on winning every fight is not submissive.

It's life.

[MineralMan]

12. Life often requires submitting to another's choice.

Not just in marriage, either.

[Fearless]

19. Marriage and relationships in general

Are not contingent on submission. They are contingent on love, understanding, compromise, and rationality.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. agreed

[fishwax]

18. Nah. Good husbands needn't be submissive. I prefer cooperation and partnership, for both parties.

And I don't think submissiveness is required for partnership in general or for the success of a long-term relationship.

[In_The_Wind]

20. I agree with you.

In fact, submissiveness may be the secret to success in making a marriage a long-term relationship. It's not a matter of gender. It's a matter of partnership.

In some relationships there can only be one dominate person.

However, a wise dominate person (male or female) sees the submissive partner as one to be cared for. His or her needs should be met. It is about mutual respect. In long term relationships, I have been the dominate one in our relationship. Not by choice but because I can run things more smoothly than my mates have been able to do. In a nutshell. A good sub is to be valued, never hurt in any way. To be loved and respected, not used or abused. Do_no_ harm is the only way to be a kind caring dominate partner in life.

[kickysnana]

21. Pretty enlightend for an East Sider.

I had a lot of second cousins on the East Side. They mostly moved to the southern suburbs for schools and we kept moving north.

But only a couple moved to sin city.

[MineralMan]

35. East Side Rules! nt

[BainsBane]

55. Sin city?

Is that what you country folk call Minneapolis?

[babylonsister]

23. Sounds more like compromise,

one of the keys to a good relationship, besides respect.

Whatever you call it, sounds good to me.

[hughee99]

24. You can say it's not about gender, but swap the genders and this thread

looks completely different.

[nomorenomore08]

29. Wasn't the OP a response to one about "submissive wives"? So yes, it does look different.

Mainly because it's generally women who are expected to "compromise" far more than their (male) mates. And I suppose one-sided "compromise" is one way of defining submission.

[Major Nikon]

25. Good relationships have nothing to do with submissiveness by either party

It has more to do with how people deal with disputes. Some issues will never be resolved to the satisfaction of both sides of a relationship. Some couples fight like cats and dogs and still manage to stay together happily for life. Couples that stay together figure out how to table those disputes before allowing them to breed contempt and destroy the relationship. It has more to do with how people deal with their emotions. Those that deal with emotion intelligently are much more likely to stay together than those who don't. The skill of knowing when to walk away and allowing someone else to walk away is much more valuable to a relationship than one party always having to submit to the other when there is a dispute.

[nomorenomore08]

30. Right. Agreeing to disagree.

A necessary skill in all personal interactions, but more so in an intimate relationship.

[Major Nikon]

42. Maybe

But I've seen no evidence that suggests that one party to a successful relationship has to be submissive. I have seen plenty of evidence that suggests how couples handle conflict has a big influence on whether they will be successful or not.

[nomorenomore08]

47. Absolutely. As I said earlier, I think a relationship is healthiest when neither is dominant.

And that compromise is usually a good thing, but one-sided "compromise" is more like submission.

[Major Nikon]

50. I agree

Compromise that relies on submission is not compromise. However, not all issues will be resolved. Many won't. How couples deal with the issues they can't compromise on has a lot more to do with how good their relationship will be. Lack of compromise is inevitable. If it breeds contempt the relationship will likely suffer.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201303/the-1-predictor-divorce-and-how-prevent-it

[redqueen]

26. It's not about submission OR domination.

It's about egalitarianism.

But what the fuck would anyone raised in this sick society (which literally fetishizes submission and domination) understand about that.

[JustAnotherGen]

27. So this is like

When my husband and brother kvetch about how I'm a Domestic Terrorist because growing up what was my brother's was mine and now that I'm married my husband doesn't own socks or sweatshirts for his own, solo, personal use?

Because its easier to give in than to try and remain with me?

Okay - off to search out what trouble my other two favorite men at SWC have gotten into. I'm hoping MrScorpio has his Magic 8 Ball out and 1StrongBlackMan has read something compelling this weekend.

[nomorenomore08]

28. I agree that the healthiest relationships are those in which neither party is "dominant."

And that compromise - while, like anything else, it can be taken too far - is generally a good thing.

[NightWatcher]

31. Many times you can be either right or happy

I gave up being right years ago

[truebluegreen]

45. A comedian friend of mine called it the 4-word key to a successful marriage:

Oh. Yeah! Right! Sorry....

[Apophis]

32. Partnership does not equal submissiveness.

Compromise is the key to a long-lasting relationship.

[smirkymonkey]

36. You are nice Mineral Man.

Do you have a brother? If so I would like to meet him.

[MineralMan]

38. I do. He is 62 and single.

Not as good looking as me, of course, but a really nice guy.

[smirkymonkey]

48. Well I would be interested.

I am a bit younger than him, but he is within my ang range. Does he live in the Northeast?

[MineralMan]

49. Southern California.

Sorry.

[smirkymonkey]

53. Oh well, worth a try.

[Niceguy1]

40. Being

Submissive in the right situation can be quite fun.

[MineralMan]

41. I believe we may be speaking of

different things.

[Niceguy1]

56. well

Somebody had to say it lol.

[truebluegreen]

43. I firmly believe that the world would be a far better place if women were in charge.

Less testosterone = better decisions.

I suppose that is sexist. If so, just shoot me.

[edbermac]

52. Depends on the woman.

Look at the grave dancing over Thatcher's death in the UK. And a few years ago Sarah Palin was in a position to be within a heartbeat as leader of the free world. But lots of good women out there. Very pleased to have voted for Elizabeth Warren from my home state!

[truebluegreen]

54. Well, true enough.

I guess I could argue about what sort of woman TPTB pick for their window-dressing/front"men"...OTOH I am willing to bet a pile of $$$ that a House and Senate with a majority of women (Republicans notwithstanding) would be far superior to what we have now.

[nomorenomore08]

57. If general female and male voting trends hold true, then you're likely right about Congress.

Given that women tend to vote to the left of of men on many issues. Which is why some rabid right-wingers have gone so far as to "jokingly" suggest that the 19th Amendment be repealed.

[truebluegreen]

62. Yeah, that one is a big belly laugh alright.

And it really makes you wonder about the likes of Ann Coulter, when she advocates repeal...

[Greybnk48]

44. I officially like you!

And yes, both partners have to be submissive at times if you want it to last (but men more than women ).

[MineralMan]

46. Now you've made me blush.

[SwampG8r]

51. sounds like a sucessful negoiation to me

she wants to go out
you want to stay in
a compromise of going out but you choose the restaurant is made
both sides come away with something

you could have just conceded every point up front
and that would be submission
but this is not that

[Donald Ian Rankin]

58. Good husbands and good wives are both submissive nearly all the time, I think.

The way to have a successful relationship is to do what the other person wants most of the time.

[tkmorris]

59. Your post took gender out of the equation

You went out of your way to say it goes both ways in fact. But your post TITLE, now there you chose to highlight the male gender.

I wonder if it would have been received as well had you said "Good wives are submissive". I also wonder if you didn't title it the way you did just for the cheap applause. Nah, I'm just kidding, I'm not really wondering about either of those things.

[eridani]

60. Can't avoid thinking of that in strictly sexual terms

Submissives outnumber dominants all across the board, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

[In_The_Wind]

61. Or is it that most dominates choose not to discuss it here.

IMO: That is more likely. How many men on DU are willing to take that chance?

[eridani]

63. Regardless of willingness to talk about it, it's a very well known fact

I suspect that the reason there are more subs than doms is the same reason that there are more people in the audience than on stage, and more readers than writers.

[In_The_Wind]

64. Thank you. Very well put.