On birthdays and etiquette

[MattBaggins]

Is there a polite way to ask for money or giftcards or donations in lieu of presents?

My oldest daughter is realizing she has enough plastic crap and stuffed animals. Even no gifts at all would be better than more garbage from the toy aisle at wally world.

[MineralMan]

1. Not really. It is assuming that a gift will be

given in the first place. A gift is voluntary, so suggesting a type of gift is not cool. An old etiquette rule that still makes sense.

[MattBaggins]

2. I agree that the gift is voluntary

so what about asking for no gifts at all?

[aikoaiko]

4. I see it done often or refer to your favorite charity in lieu of gift.

[MineralMan]

6. That is OK, but will disappoint some

who enjoy giving gifts. This has always been a difficult etiquette issue. There are many such issues. The most often given advice is to not say anything about gifts at all except to thank the giver.

One solution a very wise person made to me was to accept gifts graciously and then donate them to a suitable charity. For a child, that might be a family shelter or a children's hospital.

[cyberswede]

11. Ask the kids to bring items for your local food pantry or animal shelter.

My kids also have more than enough toys, so for my daughter's last b-day, we asked the kids to bring donations for our local backpack program (nonperishable items given to food-insecure schoolkids, so they have healthy food over the weekend).

My kids have gone to parties where they were asked to bring items for the local animal shelter - dog biscuits, cat litter, pet toys, rags, paper towels, etc.

The kids seem to get a kick out of it, and some brought their donations in a gift bag, just like a present.

[aikoaiko]

3. Nope.

I know what you're thinking, but there isn't a good way to do it.

[MattBaggins]

12. I know. I really don't want to be some kind of clod

It's just the boxes of stuff and junk. We are donating them but even that isn't perhaps the best.

I don't know if it was staged but I have seen supposed pics of toys donated to Africa that were just huge garbage piles outside of villages.

[SheilaT]

5. It's beyond crass.

If anyone actually asks you want to get her, then you can tell them.

Maybe she can have a party where the invitations clearly state no presents, and if they want a donation of some kind can be made. Make the party simply the joy of being together with friends.

My sister was really bothered by the materialism of kids' parties when her children were young, so she would often tell her kids they were having a party that day, send them out to round up friends in the neighborhood, bake a cake, make hot dogs and such, and then just let the kids "party".

[JI7]

7. i think if you ask for charity instead it would be ok but if you ask for money or gift cards

it might not come off well.

it could also depend on the people. very close family and friends might be a case where you can ask them directly to give money or gift cards instead of buying something.

i don't know how old she is so that could make some difference. maybe you can give away some of the toy gifts to charity ? but if she is very young not sure how it would work if she wants to keep the gift.

[MattBaggins]

13. She just turned 10 but realizes she has piles of now useless junk.

I'm not sure if the new trend of iTunes or Kindle cards will be much better. Will my kids be complaining of "digital junk" in 20 years?

[elleng]

8. 'In lieu of gifts directly to her, A would appreciate

contributions to XYZ charity.'

[Ruby the Liberal]

9. How old is your daughter?

Esoteric answer (with no polite way offered on phrasing), but if you have a 529 set up for tax free growth secondary education, you can offer donations to her post high school education fund for college/trade school. I know that is a clinical (cold) offering, but my family is big into setting aside money for education/training over trinkets and crap, so thought I would mention it.

You know your audience what will play best?

[Luminous Animal]

10. Absolutely gauche to ask for money or the equivilent.

When my daughter was 9, she didn't want any more crap and she hated the spectacle of the birthday girl standing court and opening up presents in front of the guests so she wrote on her invitation "no gifts please" but she was worried about the people who would ignore the message.

I told her that when we let guests in, whoever had a gift, she could take it, say thank you and put it in my room to open after the party.

She also wanted to get rid of stuff so her dad suggested that she pull the things that she didn't want and that were in great shape and put them on the coffee table. She made a sign that said, "pick out a toy to donate to a women's shelter". In reality, we ended up donating them all.

The adults in the room loved it and two also wrote checks.

My husband and I give our little 7 year old friend next door an outing with us - the county fair or the zoo or wherever she wants to go.

[SmileyRose]

14. no gifts please

coming to celebrate with me is gift enough