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madinmaryland

(64,920 posts)
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 03:55 PM Apr 2013

Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week

JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice president has burned through a minimum of three hearts every week. “Within a time span of 48 hours or so, Mr. Cheney generally exhausts his heart until it is totally unusable, at which point he comes in for a fresh heart transplant to get him through the next few days,” said cardiac surgeon Dr. Anthony Griener, noting that when a spent heart is pulled from Cheney’s thoracic cavity, it generally emerges smoldering, shriveled, and completely black, at times also secreting a corrosive, viscous brown liquid. “He’s had so many transplants at this point that we no longer even have to apply general anesthesia or make a new incision for the procedure. He comes in, we chat with him for a bit while we pry open his chest, and we insert a fresh heart. Then he’s on his way.” Doctors also revealed that Cheney is thriving under these conditions and will likely continue to live for many, many, many years to come.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/doctors-reveal-dick-cheney-burning-through-at-leas,32022/

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Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week (Original Post) madinmaryland Apr 2013 OP
LOL! Suich Apr 2013 #1
so hard to tell the onion from reality any more rurallib Apr 2013 #2
NO way! His body would reject a decent person's heart. They'd have to find black hearts rhett o rick Apr 2013 #3
They are cousins iandhr Apr 2013 #12
Yeah I know but I was going for the Darth Vadar thing. nm rhett o rick Apr 2013 #18
I wouldn't doubt that's how this ghoul is still alive. HughBeaumont Apr 2013 #4
Funniest thing I've seen all day Blue Owl Apr 2013 #5
Truth is stranger than fiction malaise Apr 2013 #6
"at times also secreting a corrosive, viscous brown liquid" - acid for blood? aint_no_life_nowhere Apr 2013 #7
Oh, have a heart! LiberalEsto Apr 2013 #8
I will hand out cake in the street the day Dickless Cheney kicks the bucket. I live for the day I Erose999 Apr 2013 #9
the very picture of ruddy-faced health... alterfurz Apr 2013 #10
Hehehe. freshwest Apr 2013 #17
Almost had me! louis-t Apr 2013 #11
the ghoul probably has clones in china for organs to harvest Sunlei Apr 2013 #13
Now, we are talking about a great novel libodem Apr 2013 #15
add to a book the old darth vader sends all his companies & a trillion $ back to the American people Sunlei Apr 2013 #20
I understand pig hearts can do in a pinch, but with his $$$$$ who knows benld74 Apr 2013 #14
The big problem they are having is finding enough people to sign the Faustian Deal Tyrs WolfDaemon Apr 2013 #16
yuck!!! ZRT2209 Apr 2013 #19
It's as if his silly doctors never heard of zippers. Or Velcro. Buns_of_Fire Apr 2013 #21
 

rhett o rick

(55,981 posts)
3. NO way! His body would reject a decent person's heart. They'd have to find black hearts
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 04:19 PM
Apr 2013

to give to him. One of these days soon I expect him to say in a deep voice, "Barack, I am your father."

Disclaimer to keep the Outrage Brigade calm: This post is not intended to be racist. Reference to "black heart" means the heart of someone considered heartless or that figuratively has no heart. And Cheney being Barack's father is of course from Star Wars.

HughBeaumont

(24,461 posts)
4. I wouldn't doubt that's how this ghoul is still alive.
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 04:24 PM
Apr 2013

Don't EVEN expect me to laud Cheney in any way or shape when he finally gets sucked in a roasting hot pit of dark tar.

aint_no_life_nowhere

(21,925 posts)
7. "at times also secreting a corrosive, viscous brown liquid" - acid for blood?
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 04:35 PM
Apr 2013

That must explain why Cheney burst from a man's chest cavity when he was born.

Erose999

(5,624 posts)
9. I will hand out cake in the street the day Dickless Cheney kicks the bucket. I live for the day I
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 04:37 PM
Apr 2013

can piss on that man's grave.

libodem

(19,288 posts)
15. Now, we are talking about a great novel
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 06:28 PM
Apr 2013

I know it has been done before, but semi factual fiction makes a good read.

Sunlei

(22,651 posts)
20. add to a book the old darth vader sends all his companies & a trillion $ back to the American people
Fri Apr 12, 2013, 10:04 AM
Apr 2013

He could do it if he wasn't a cheap scrooge who would rather take AMERICAS money to the grave with him.

Tyrs WolfDaemon

(2,289 posts)
16. The big problem they are having is finding enough people to sign the Faustian Deal
Thu Apr 11, 2013, 06:33 PM
Apr 2013

which turns their heart evil enough to even be brought near that man's chest. Most hearts explode before they can make the first blood vessel connection.

Buns_of_Fire

(17,119 posts)
21. It's as if his silly doctors never heard of zippers. Or Velcro.
Fri Apr 12, 2013, 10:50 AM
Apr 2013

I mean, it's not as if this situation wasn't to be expected. Any self-respecting animal, vegetable, or mineral was bound to reject his presence.

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