Why you probably suck at sex, Mark Morford

[madokie]

It’s the church’s fault. All those icepicks of Puritanism and daggers of sin stabbing at your pleasure center, endless guilt and shame directed at your own body, the endlessly cruel idea that ecstasy, soft moaning and a hot rush of blood to the netherparts are all surefire signs of the devil, when of course they are the exact opposite.

Maybe it’s your mom’s fault? Or your school’s? Too many lame-ass boyfriends, maybe a cold and sexless wife? Someone somewhere misleading you via bland, guilt-addled example into thinking sex is something to be feared, or dreaded, or used as a weapon, or (even worse) merely tolerated, endured as a grating necessity, something only guys want and women suffer through to lure some sap into putting a ring on it. Wrong. Oh so very, historically wrong.

It’s porn’s fault! Way too much of it, way too easily accessible, most of it far too crass, desensitizing and grossly explicit, even violent, not to mention setting up all sorts of grotesque falsehoods about how each dumbed-down, pneumatically enhanced gender is supposed to look and behave and squeal.

Do you know the first piece of advice given by any sex-savvy doc to numbed-out guys who complain they can’t perform in bed anymore, who can’t get turned on by “real” women? Back off the porn. Let your batteries recharge and your numb imagination spark back to life. For timid or anorgasmic females? The reverse. Try watching something hot, get some toys, experiment, discover new and erotic worlds you mom never dreamed of. I mean, obviously.

The rest: http://blog.sfgate.com/morford/2013/04/02/why-you-probably-suck-at-sex/

[madville]

1. I've dated a bunch in the last 20 years

It is certainly interesting thinking back about everyone's unique perceptions regarding sex, especially inhibitions.

Bad sex will certainly fizzle a relationship in no time, most of mine have been good in that department but I can think of two relationships specifically that were duds in the bedroom.

Another thing to consider is how prior abuse or sexual assault can affect people later in life, that can be a significant influence.

[steve2470]

2. A lot of sexual problems are really relationship problems in disguise

There are many factors which may result in a person experiencing a sexual dysfunction. These may result from emotional or physical causes.

Sexual dysfunction may arise from emotional factors, including interpersonal or psychological problems. Interpersonal problems may arise from marital or relationship problems, performance anxiety, or from a lack of trust and open communication between partners, and psychological problems may be the result of depression, sexual fears or guilt, past sexual trauma, sexual disorders,[11] among others.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_dysfunction#Causes

Granted, wiki is not the gold standard for research but given time, I can dig up other credible references.

[HappyMe]

3. Meh.

A good healthy relationship = good sex.

[MillennialDem]

4. I disagree.

[HappyMe]

5. Okay. Why?

[MillennialDem]

6. Some people are asexual for one, yet still desire a partner. My wife (I am also female) and I have

been together for almost 10 years completely happy.

We've had sex very, very few times.

I'd say we are closer to borderline than true asexuals though.

[HappyMe]

9. It doesn't how many times you have had sex.

It's the quality of the sex. If you are both satisfied with the quantity and quality, then it's not a problem.

[MillennialDem]

10. What if that quantity = 0 though? I know some asexuals who don't desire it at all.

[HappyMe]

12. Then that's fine too.

[Shankapotomus]

31. +1

Sex is just an activity preference, like any other such as, skateboarding, paragliding or attending science lectures.

And, when you think about it, it can seem an immature activity, at times.

[geek tragedy]

7. Not necessarily true at all.

For one, any long-term couple is going to have "it was just okay" trysts.

For another, there are physical and psychological issues that may have nothing to do with the underlying relationship.

[HappyMe]

11. Any big psychological and physical issues

should be cared for by a doctor with the partner's full support.

Of course every single time a couple has sex it isn't going to be mind blowing. It's ridiculous for anyone to expect that.

[MillennialDem]

18. I didn't want to get into this specifically, but I have something going on here as well

(sexual health problems that started in my late 20s, in my early 30s now)

Again since I'm borderline asexual (as is my partner) it's not as big of a deal, but yeah thanks for posting this. She has stuck with me through it.

[HappyMe]

23. As long as you have a loving wife,

and you are both on the same page - it's all good.


I'm glad you found each other.

[dawg]

13. "it was just okay" is heaven ...

when it's with someone you love.

Just the fact that you love each other, and trust each other, and know that it doesn't have to be mind-blowingly awesome every single time is a wonderful thing.

[geek tragedy]

17. Oh certainly. Being with the right person is the entire point.

Everything else is gravy.

[HappyMe]

42. And you know this how?

[geek tragedy]

8. There's a lot in there that's true.

Though I would imagine that most feminists would take issue with the idea that feminism encourages women to have the sexual mores of drunk frat boys. Equality is not the goal, nor should it be.

[dawg]

15. I think equality of opportunity should be the goal.

A college woman who behaves like a drunken frat boy should be treated no differently. Girls will be girls, you know. They shouldn't be held to a higher standard.

Personally, I think both are making poor choices. But they are the same choices and one should not get a pass while the other is called a slut.

[geek tragedy]

16. They should get treated the same.

But, I don't think what feminists have had in mind has been for women to adopt the bad behavior of men.

[dawg]

19. No, I don't think so either.

In our efforts to not be judgmental, I think some liberals have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. The sexes should be treated equally. But that doesn't mean that "anything goes" is necessarily a good idea for most people. Some of those old-fashioned "morals" existed for a reason.

[HappyMe]

20. What 'bad behavior'?

Why is watching porn, playing with some sex toys and having a good time in bed considered 'bad behavior'?

What happens in people's bedrooms or where ever people choose to have sex is really none of anyone's business.

[geek tragedy]

21. I'm referring to this language from the article

In short, Freitas’ book argues that sex among the hookup (read: college) generation is just sort of awful. Nobody flirts, nobody romances, nobody cares about quality or skill or understanding the nuances and deep thrums of the opposite sex. It’s all just fast, drunk and soulless (and lonely), lacking anything resembling authentic human connection. Hey, it’s sex in college. Enlightened females and skillful males? Forget about it.

Who knows what demons and trends are to blame for the nasty trend? Feminism, at least as far as good sex goes, has failed young women, because all that wonderful “empowerment” means young women are now merely acting just as grossly predatory as clueless frat guys. And why not? Where are their smart, sex-positive role models? Who else should they emulate for sexual freedom and wanton pleasure, Beyoncé? Taylor Swift? Lena Dunham? Please.

[MillennialDem]

22. This sounds like just straight up generation bashing.

[geek tragedy]

29. The article bashes people of all ages for being lousy lays.

What’s more, as Freitas surely knows, bad, boring sex isn’t confined to drunk college pups. Far from it. Behold Anne Lamott’s sweet little essay over on Salon about her experience dating on Match.com for a year, about how, at 58, she doesn’t need or care much for sex anymore and how, by her lifetime calculation, sex has only meant she’s “waited approximately 1736 hours for the man to finish” and she now “wants a refund.”

Ha. Isn’t that cute? I like Anne a lot, her writing is charming, in a Nora Ephron-lite sort of way. But sweet Jesus with a strap-on, if “waiting for the man to finish” rings true for Lamott’s generation and makes all the bored, sexually inept housewives of America chortle, I have news: You’re doing it wrong. And so is he. And maybe you always have.

[HappyMe]

30. So what?

Sounds like they are just bashing college kids.

Feminism, like the government and damn near everybody else needs to stay the hell out of people's bedrooms.

I also don't understand this huge role models issue. I was raised to think for myself, not hold one person up as a shining example. Be your own person. Live a good honest life, do no harm.

[geek tragedy]

33. Who said anything about feminism belonging in people's bedrooms? nt

[HappyMe]

34. In this post -

it said that feminism has failed young women.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=2607696

[geek tragedy]

35. And I'm disagreeing with him.

I don't think feminism has anything to do with some young women turning out to be boring sex partners.

[treestar]

25. It is the business of potential partners, though

People will want other with similar values.

I remember the big dust off about shaving pubic hair. Somebody had a good point - do you wait until the person's clothes are off? And then run screaming if they are "wrong" on that choice?

It's very odd, but there do need to be some set of expectations there. Since it involves more than one person, people will feel totally insecure unless they know they aren't going to be judged negatively on this or that.

[treestar]

24. Not always

But it might have seemed that what the boys do has to be the fun thing to do.

[geek tragedy]

26. Eh maybe. As a boy I've never thought what the other boys

were doing seemed like much fun.

[treestar]

28. This is true too

Or for that matter, the other girls. I was of age in the late 70s, a great time for adventurous girls, but a terrible time for timid ones. Where I went to college, it seemed like you had sex on the first date. Overwhelming for me. Freedom for others.

[geek tragedy]

32. If sex is treated as casual, no big deal,

then it stops being a big deal.

[treestar]

38. I hear the saying, "It's just sex"

but the strange thing is, once people do get married, then having sex with a third party causes great heartbreak. Why not just say, "It's just sex, you're the one I live with." IOW there seems to be a disconnect. It's just sex when you are single, but after you get married, it's a big deal.

[geek tragedy]

39. "It's just sex" indicates that something has been lost, nt

[Lizzie Poppet]

14. "Sucking" in a sexual context is no bad thing.

Just sayin'...

[MineralMan]

27. Mark Morford sucks at sex?

I had no idea.

"Let's eat, Grandma" is not the same as "Let's eat Grandma." Punctuation matters.

[libodem]

36. Great discusion starter

Took me decades to figure out the difference between sex and love and romance. Too, bad I'm nearly 60. Wisdom is wasted on the old. Wish the young knew what I now know.

Freakin' hormones. I can think so much clearer now that the change has happened.

[geek tragedy]

37. Wisdom is wasted on the old just as

youth is wasted on the young.

Ah well.

[libodem]

45. Such a shame

I had to learn through the school of hard knocks. Hope it isn't that way for everyone. Wish wisdom could be packaged and imparted.

[Blue_Tires]

40. Speak for yourself, Marko!

[Peter cotton]

43. As the guy said when asked, "Who do you expect to satisfy with *that*?"

"Myself".

[Jamaal510]

46. One thing

that Morford didn't mention was masturbating. When a guy jacks off too much before having sex, he either has trouble getting it up, or his load won't be as big.