Dear Ones, I think I may need help

[LiberalEsto]

Recently I posted that I was in a state of shock after learning that my older daughter got secretly married without telling us. I deeply appreciate all your caring replies.

I am hurting badly. I am afraid my older daughter has cut me and our other daughter out of her life forever.

Late last night my husband sent a very nice email to our new son-in-law sending our best wishes and asking about why they didn't tell us they'd gotten married. The young man forwarded the email to his wife, who went nuts. Not at her father, but at our younger daughter for telling us, and at me for enabling her sister. I could not believe the rage. I tried to tell her the younger daughter meant no harm, that she told us after several weeks only because she felt badly at keeping something this important from her parents.

My younger daughter only found out because her sister, while drinking heavily at a party, told my younger daughter's boyfriend, and demanded that he not tell his own girlfriend. But the guy felt he couldn't keep something that major about her family from his girlfriend.

Nobody forced the older one to tell the younger one's boyfriend. But she's enraged at him, her sister and most of all me. Given the depth of her anger, I am not sure that this situation can be repaired.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been wondering for months whether the older one is bipolar, because of her intense mood swings and many other inexplicable behavior.

[Celebration]

1. I feel your profound sorrow

I have no answers for you, but am sending love and light to this situation. :hug:

[LiberalEsto]

10. It helps a lot to know that there are such good, wise people

sending vibes and good energy. Thank you.

[elleng]

2. I doubt 'forever,' LibEst, but again, somewhat similarly situated here.

Thinking of you, yours, and mine. More later.

:grouphug:

[LiberalEsto]

11. Thank you, Ellen.

Thanks for your PM

[elleng]

16. Thx. YHM.

[Howler]

3. I'm So So sorry LiberalEsto.

Hopefully in time this will be made right.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[LiberalEsto]

12. Howler, your hugs mean a lot to me

Thank you.

[AC_Mem]

4. I'm so sorry your family is suffering

It sounds like emotions are so high right now that adding energy to the situation may only make it worse. If I were in your shoes, I would send the entire situation loving, healing energy. The Law of Attraction says that if you do this, the Universe will add more loving, healing energy to it as well.

Again, I know I sound like a broken record from previous posts, but TAPPING (EFT) can help. It can not only assist you in processing this hurt, but you can do "surrogate tapping" on the situation or on your daughter, which may also provide additional healing.

If you are interested and want to know where to find resources to help you know how to tap and what to tap on/about, feel free to PM me and I will be happy to help.

I have also had some pretty horrendous family dramas in my lifetime, so I understand. Time does heal this stuff and I have found that by keeping my own vibration high and positive, it's pretty difficult for others to continue to fan the flame of anger and drama/trauma. It gets frustrating for them, and then things eventually calm down. Concentrate on the love you have for your daughters, no matter what choices they make and remember, you can can't change those choices but you CAN change how you react to them.

My best to you,
Annette

[elleng]

5. Sounds like good advice to me,

'send the entire situation loving, healing energy,' so will try to work it myself.

Thanks, Annette

[LiberalEsto]

9. That sounds like it might help a lot

I have read things about tapping here in ASAH before. It interested me, but I didn't pursue it at the time. It's a very good suggestion. Do you have any links?

[AC_Mem]

15. You bet I have links (smile) - and some teaching

I'm going to post the information as a separate thread so as to help more people.

Shine On,
Annette

[BanzaiBonnie]

6. What kind of help do you need/want?

Do you know?

I'm guessing this is confusing along with the pain you are going through. Take care of your needs first. Be safe. Give yourself the loving space to greive. Hold yourself in compassion.

Then, hold your daughter in compassion. No matter what the cause of her anger, she must be in great pain. Recognize the anger is hers. You did not cause it. It is an internal response that SHE has to deal with internally.


Give it some time.

If she approaches you with accusations don't take it personally. Listen without judgement.


This sounds very much like my sister. If I knew then, what I know now, perhaps I could have listened without judgement when she hurled her anger at me. Perhaps if she felt someone really listened to her, things would be different.

[LiberalEsto]

8. I'm not sure, but what you wrote is very helpful.

Your message sounds very much like the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book on anger. Particularly about listening with compassion but without judgement.

Do you know of him? He's a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who has written many very readable books on peace, healing, mindfulness and other subjects.

Thank you very much for your insight.
LibE

[Kind of Blue]

21. And there is scientific research for holding

oneself in compassion. I'm just saying that it may sound airy-fairy but it works! I just read this article "Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges," http://www.quantumactivist.com/easy-wave-research-urges/#more-807 "...People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures..."

The first thing that Dr. Kristin Neff says is something you're already doing, LiberalEsto, is recognizing that you are hurting. And as she says in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tyl6YXp1Y6M realizing that we are not in a perfect world, that what is happening is part of our human experience, but you are there 24/7 along with the rest of us to give yourself compassion :hug:

[PADemD]

7. Sending you light and healing energy to cope.

[BlueIris]

13. I'm terribly sorry you are going through this, but I think your daughter is setting boundaries.

I realize this is not what you want to read, but I think she is asking for space, and yes, probably a break from (can't tell if it's temp or perm) the family. I know it's tempting to want to blame bipolar disorder or another mental health problem on her desire to retreat, but I think it's possible that she is moving on from your family, and that this is the best decision for her.

I really think you need to try to let her go. If she wants to come back at some point, perhaps it will happen. If not, well, that happens sometimes. No offense, but I think the best and most appropriate thing for you to do at this point is think about the issues that might have caused her to want to leave her family of origin for good. Her choices may have been influenced by factors like chemical imbalances, but I don't think that's the real story. It might help you to achieve closure if you can explore, acknowledge and accept what the real story is.

[LiberalEsto]

26. Maybe, BlueIris

I thought we did a decent job of letting her go. She's lived with her boyfriend, now husband, for five years. We never visit them without an invitation, and generally let them live their own lives.

We don't offer advice unless requested, or pry into their lives, and we let them decide when or how often they want to see us. The result of our backing off is that they usually like to come over every weekend to visit with us and do their laundry. (Except when she's on another rampage about her younger sister, and refuses to speak to her or be in the same house with her. She is convinced her sister is evil and wants us to throw her out.) We don't expect them to visit or nag them, but we're delighted when they come.

[OneGrassRoot]

14. As always, there are wise words from ASAHers upthread....

I am thinking of you and yours and sending abundant hugs of support, LiberalEsto. I have no words, just hugs of love....


:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[get the red out]

17. Forever is a long damn time

Please just take care of yourself, this is open ended. Forever is a long time and no one really knows what will happen with so many twists and turns in everyone's road.

I come from a family where telling someone they hope they will die then being totally different in a week is the norm. I guess that's why I'm such a whacked out person. But seriously, if she is having a mental health difficulty her mood could change with the snap of your fingers.

[lildreamer316]

18. I'm so sorry for your pain.

And for hers, because she must have some to be reacting out that way. Sounds like either she is bipolar or some relative of that, or maybe her planets are just banging up against each other pretty strongly - a lot of people are having that kind of revelation now.

You have my heartfelt care and lots of hugs. For whatever that is worth. ((:hug:))

[Ricochet21]

19. I have studied your daughters chart closely

and with an elevated moon at 1 degree of Cancer, it is preparing to get hit by Uranus.

This can be a very good time for her, but first, she has to break the family dynamic of co-dependency. ANd #1, she blames you.
It's not fair, it's not accurate, but now, Uranus says games up
she has to learn to support herself
she is screaming out for someone to take care of her, for her, can't be done.
Dear, focus on you becoming strong now. :hug:

[elleng]

22. Oh My, Rick, LibEst's daughter Cancer influence too, as is mine!

Been feeling LibEst and I are somehow closely associated, and so it is!

:hi:

:hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

20. Respect her wishes. Leave her alone if she expresses that request.

Some people you have to love from a distance, but interference in another's free will is verboten.

There may be support groups who can offer...support.

[FirstLight]

23. I was posting this morning and got sidetracked...

I was going to say something about soul-contracts and how sometimes we need to let others walk their own path for a time and then come back to us. I was also going to mention that family contracts are not always for forever, we can break those too...

well, in the meantime that idea came home to roost.
My teen is finally going to move out, and the drama and angst involved is painful and horrific.
he and my own mother have turned on me and decided I screwed him up and i have no compassion for him
so now i will probably be cutting some ties with my own mother for a while because she decided to take sides in the matter.
my son had the audacity to call me a heartless c**t
and my mom is using the situation to reprimand ME for all the things i did as a teen
regardless if it is apples and oranges.

so ya, we are both dealing with it girl... :hug:

[elleng]

24. All of us, dear FL.

:grouphug:

[rosesaylavee]

25. Dear LE

The 'drinking heavily' description stood out for me. People who have an alcohol problem very often have *extreme* mood swings and irrationally angry outbursts. If this is the case, ALANON may prove to be very helpful resource for you and your family. Or if she's manic, she's attempting to self-medicate. I would suggest that whatever is going on with her is outta your control. If it were me, I would get some counseling to find some tools for finding peace in this situation.

:hug:

[laylah]

27. LiberalEsto...

I have no words of wisdom, only much love, light, wishes, and prayers sent your way that this sad situation can be smoothed over. :hug:

Jenn